Thursday, December 25, 2008

The Bible according to a child

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was
nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,
'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot
older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone
did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,
but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't
been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they
were driven from the Garden of Eden.

Not sure what they were driven in though, because they
didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long
as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for
Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good
guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a
large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He
asked some other people to join him, but they said they
would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more
famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his
birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son
named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was
Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt
and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on
Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice,
lice, bowels, and no cable.


God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then
he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.

These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet
your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and
thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first
Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol
and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a
giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had
about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was
wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.

One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale
and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor
league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry
about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is
the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.
(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is
always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a
barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of
fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like
the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that
they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even
preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial
before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for
Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life
again.

He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the
Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

3 comments:

George said...

A very cute post, Neal. Thanks for sharing.

Betsy from Tennessee said...

Funny Neal... Hope you and your family are having a wonderful day. We ARE!!! I assume that your beautiful daughter is home.. I'm sure that is very special!!!
Hugs,
Betsy

Tina said...

Neal,
Interesting post..out of the mouths of babes, so they say! ha ha Hope you had a wonderful day and spent time with your family and friends! Have a peaceful New Year. Looking forward to seeing your posts in '09!!